As we drive past the cemetery we always wave hello.
No new emotions seem to follow.
We are now frozen in thought,
because we have learned a lot from what we have been taught.
You would not be satisfied with us-- your family, not living huge on the simple things in life.
The kind of person you were did not deserve to have any strife.
If only I could see through the lens of your glasses,
through its crack, I would be able to push away life's negative passes.
And I remember the day I came home from camp,
It was like a switch from light to dark was turned on from the pulling of a string on a lamp.
My mother told me she had something to tell me.
And when I found out the news I simply could not see--
a world without you in it-- the only world I knew that was both our place.
I remember, I began to cry-- tears dripping down my face.
But oh how I am glad I visited you on that day, I must say,
The memory of seeing you will forever remain in my mind until my very last day.
I remember my mother asking me if I wanted to go.
I knew that your days left weren't going to go slow.
She had warned me that there was a tube in your throat,
But I simply could not turn down the offer, sit home and gloat.
I came to visit you that very last time.
I remember I was seven years old-- It was like G-d was doing a crime.
Taking you away from me much too soon
it was like the sun would never rise again from the dark nights moon.
I remember that the light was shining bright through the windows in your room.
The voices all around were very low and everything felt like it was in a state of gloom.
And there you were, laying there in peace through your great pain,
The pain that I had for you in my heart started to stain.
We put on your pair of broken glasses so that you could see.
I thought though that it would be too blurry.
But of course you always seemed to surpass life's challenges-- through the tube, your lips trying to move, those last few words from you were not able to soothe.
I heard you say to me “I love you” one last time. I thought, you not being able to speak was just another crime.
And, I wish I knew what happened to those pair of glasses.
The world doesn't look the same as you explained, as each day passes.
Now looking back, I remember how you kept of photo of me framed in your
room, seeing you sit at the head of the table while we ate, sitting beside you on the couch and your love was never late. You did not have an
easy life-- with your wife on strife and sicknesses threatening her
life.You only wished that at eighty-nine you would make it to ninety, and I only
wished that you would stay forever mighty.
Oh grandpa, how you brought so much joy to my young and growing soul it's true.
Oh grandpa, how you brought so much joy to my young and growing soul it's true.
No one will ever be able to fill me with as much inspiring words on life as you 
would always do.
would always do.In the few years I've known you-- you taught me a whole lot, and
you were my "ten."
I can't wait to see you and say,
"Hello Grandpa", once again.
you painted the scene really nicely and i really like the transition from passing the graveyard to remembering the day of his death and the detail about his glasses. I also felt that that the rhyming almost trivialized this clearly really serious and sad memory and that there were a couple of details (like stating being at the cemetery) that felt they could be shown rather than told a little more but I don't know if that is due to the rhyme. Overall I was really moved by this poem and the beautiful and heartbreaking image it painted of your grandfather on his last day
ReplyDeleteI think this poem hit the memory theme very well. I especially liked how you started the poem with the cemetery and then go into specific memories. There was no giant reveal and worked well for the story. I would have sacrificed the rhyming though. I think you would benefit from breaking free from the restraints that come with rhyming and just focusing on what words best serve your purpose.
ReplyDeleteI loved the opening and closing of the poem and appreciate the raw honesty and detail of the memories. Your rhymes were clearly thought out; I wasn't sure if it added anything to the poem at first, but looking at it again I think it paints a sweet, nostalgic tone, almost ironic in contrast to the subject matter at hand. Maybe cutting down on wordiness could help the rhyme sit more comfortably with the rhythm.
ReplyDeleteThe subject matter is very personal, memorable, and intimate, and it makes for a touching, beautiful poem. The feeling of love for your grandfather was definitely transmitted to me. He must have been a wonderful person.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I agree with those who think that the rhyme constraints limit your word choice. Maybe, switch the rhyme scheme for sentences that sound less awkward and enable you to express ideas in a clearer, cleaner manner. For example: "The memory of seeing you will forever remain in my mind until my very last day." , I know you intended for 'day' to rhyme with 'say', but maybe take out the phrase 'until my very last day', because that is implied in the word 'forever' already. Another example: "It was like a switch from light to dark was turned on from the pulling of a string on a lamp.", maybe end after 'dark', the rest of the sentence doesn't add anything new, aside from rhyming with the preceding verse.
Also, there are a few places where I wanted to see more description, more show and tell - like, what did the cemetery, your grandfather, the hospital bed, all look like?
Also, Miller has yet to say this in class, but he recommends shying away from using 'heart' or 'tears' to describe emotion due to their inherent cheesiness, even if you use it genuinely (and you do here).
I thought the memory of him putting on his blurry glasses and still being able to see you and say "I love you" was a very touching scene. Good job.
I enjoyed reading your poem, as I can relate to a passing of a close family member. It was very raw and real. When it comes to such emotional and personal poems, I would suggest skipping the rhyming so it allows you more flexibility and I would also pay some attention to the line breaks so it is easier on the eye. Others, great job!
ReplyDeleteSo first, I love the vibrant energy behind this poem, and I can tell you are working with a sense of rhythm as you proceed. That's good.
ReplyDeleteBut I agree with everyone above about the rhyming here. This poem reads like a rap or slam poem, but the tragic and serious content seems out of place with the jaunty and cheerful rhythms of the poem. One of the reasons that good rhyming poems (esp ones read on the page) are so hard to write is that for the poem to succeed, the form must enhance and reflect the content. But here, the sprawling, jazzy, bebop-like rhythms clash with the inherent tragedy of the situation. It is the tragedy here that your readers will honor first. The tragedy is moving and important.
If this were performed, the speaker could use tone and other things to circumvent this problem and infuse the poem with the desired emotion. But it's not being performed. We only have the words on the screen. Slam poems need their slams to be really effective.
The other thing is a lot of these rhymes are forced onto the poem by inverting syntax or using an old fashioned word that sounds off in this speaker, like "strife (chosen to rhyme with "life"). In other places the phrasing is awkward, like "God was doing a crime" While I like the idea of this line, "doing" sounds off there.
In this class, I am going to be pushing everyone to show and not tell your emotions by using descriptive language and images that appeal to the inner eye. So in this poem, the best parts are the parts that focus on details I can see in my mind's eye. For example, "If only I could see through the lens of your glasses,
through its crack" That part is effective, because it involves an image that blossoms to life in my mind.
The parts that need the most work are the parts that hit us with weeping and tears. Probably the least effective way to express grief in a poem is to talk about crying. It almost never works. In fact, I want to challenge you to banish tears, crying, and weeping from your poems for the duration of the class. Sorrow, pain, and tragedy are critical to poetry, but tears are usually just the fast way to sentimentality.
All that said, I did think the last rhyme in the poem worked. It had a more serious tone than the others, and it is touching.
This poem has a lot of really strong emotions, but I agree with those who suggested that rhyming is not helpful for this poem; I think it's forcing you into some less than ideal word choices--often blunting the potential emotional impact of a line.
ReplyDeleteI think the poem is strongest where there is more concrete scene-setting--the speaker talking with the mother, the photograph, the light coming in through the window.
I really like the decision of framing the poem as directly addressing the speaker's (your?) grandfather, as it added a sense of intimacy and directness to the poem.
I would love to see the light/dark and glasses lenses imagery expanded more as a central symbol in the poem--what there was intrigued me in the poem, and I think it would be even stronger if it was made to be a more central element of the poem.
This poem is so raw and personal and lovely- I kind of want to set it free. The rhymes don't add much, I think- get rid of them and let yourself really develop this, free of those constraints. I think you could expand and deepen these piece with your gift for language better without that. It also isn't the kind of poem suited to rhyming- it should be messy, and choppy, and harrowing, the way that this experience was for you. Theres nothing neat and tied up about losing family- show us that. I'd 'mess it up a bit' jump around more, more enjambment- break all the rules, basically, to reflect your own brokenness. Thanks so much for sharing this with us.
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