waves create a current
Shallow water does not last long
water rising higher, reaching--
touching my chin
My feet brushing softly on sand, no moreanother World beneath the waters waves
Hiding from me, now I'm coming, You're also
A new World seems enticing
too deep-- conscious minds can't understand
having no place for You or Me
we can’t breathe in that World
visiting temporarily.
coral looking so beautiful-- pink, orange pigments' catching my eye,
something tickles-- fish are swimming by-- beautiful with all their natural makeup
They quickly leave as I start going somewhere unfamiliar
going deeper into a New World changes everything
Everything starting to look foggy
Sharks, whales seep through-- making their appearance--
Entrance.
Our freedom is stripping away
after all, just swimming free; he, she-- you, me
It's made clear there is no welcome
swimming fast enough will not be enough
instilling fear into the soul-- Deepness of the water
swimming farther is not an option
swim Deeper, maybe they will disappear
looking around, my head-- now in a fog
the water begins to clear, there is so much to see, so much to fear
will there be another day for You?
for Me?
Sand, Land-- no longer near.
An angel whispered in my ear "Life is nothing but a dream",
here I am,
just sleeping
This poem has a certain artistic quality that I very much appreciate. I'm confused by the structure though, the seemingly random capitalized letters and rhymed that are used throughout. I'm not really sure what the poem is about, at first I thought dying but then it seemed not to be. The dramatic flair this poem has is great, I''m just wondering if the last line could be altered to make it have a stronger finish.
ReplyDeleteThe images in this poem are clear and help create a world that the reader can understand. I love the scene where you describe what is under the water in the second stanza. I felt like I was swimming in a coral reef! I was a bit confused about some of the sentences like "My feet brushing softly on sand, no more
ReplyDeleteanother World beneath the waters waves
Hiding from me, now I'm coming, You're also
A new World seems enticing "
Is this other person a new world? Or is this other person also hiding? The metaphor would be clearer with some punctuation (which is totally optional for poetry, just a suggestion!).
I like the imagery that you set up. I had a clear picture of what you were describing. My only issue is that sometimes, I would have preferred for you to show instead of tell. For example, do not tell us the fish make a "lasting impression." Show that - maybe you couldn't get them out of your head? The strongest part of this poem, to me, was the way you shifted from a light description into something darker and more sinister. Well done
ReplyDeleteReally great imagery! It does feel like it dashes around a bit- maybe follow the thought through, and cut out some of the details, beautiful as they are. I agree with Shoshy, I love the message- maybe make it a bit more ambiguous to let the reader find out? I also don't know if I feel the last line/piece is necessary- you already have the swimming metaphor, so I'm not sure why you need the dream. I really love the idea here that conceptual freedom and practical freedom differ, and what stands between them is fear. Great concepts and description!
ReplyDeleteUpdate: added 3rd to last line (to clarify)
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, this poem very much reminds me of the Beatles song, "I'm Only Sleeping," off of Revolver. If you haven't heard it, you may want to take a listen. It is also a water-themed work, and this is its last line: "Leave me where I am, I'm only sleeping" I'm not sure if the song actually did influence you, but it's fine, of course, if it did (though you may want to acknowledge the influence).
ReplyDeleteMy next thought is that this poem, like your last one, has a kind of propulsive energy that reminds me of oral poetry or slam poetry, though this poem is a little tighter than that one, and it employes imagery most consistently, which I was happy to see.
That said, some of your descriptions would be better if you were more specific. For example, "pink orange pigments" is much better than "stripes, dots, colors" because the former is specific, while the latter is too general. I would also omit or replace flat "told" sounding phrases like the next line: "makes a lasting impression"
Another thing is your use of enjambment, which makes the poem read very quickly. Nothing wrong with enjambment, of course, but I wonder if it wouldn't be more effective if you experimented with different line breaks. Doing so can also help you to find "clutter words" to prune, so this can be leaner and more direct.
Some of your best phrases really leap out from the page, like "there is so much to see, so much to fear." That would make an excellent refrain line in a poem that uses refrains. It's got a lot of resonance.
I haven't heard of this Beatles song. I will check it out. Thank you
Delete