This is hilarious! The rhyme and blunt succinctness of this poem add to the humor. That being said, maybe you can add a little something to it? maybe instead of "not knowing it would take a toll" -- maybe utilizing that space for another piece of imagery, another poke of humor, etc. could add more dimension. Also maybe tightening up the language of the last line. Really cute :)
A cute and humorous little anectode--perfect for limerick form If you want to stick more strictly to limerick form, some thoughts: The first line seems four feet long to me--four stressed syllables--"man," "went," "cold," and "stroll"--and limericks are supposed to have three feet in the first, second, and fifth line. I suppose you could move "went" to the beginning--"went a MAN on a COLD winter STROLL"--though the syntax is definitely awkward now...on the other hand it's a clearly humorous limerick, so it might be more acceptable to throw grammar to the winds. The second line appears to be in perfect form: three feet--iamb, anapest, anapest The third and fourth lines are supposed to be two feet each--consider "as he WALKED into AIR/he SLIPPED, lost his HAIR" The last line seems something like five feet long...also it might be more interesting to use a new word rather than "stroll"If you do want to keep "stroll"--consider "and NEVer went BACK for a STROLL"
This is really funny! I love the idea and the rhyming made for a funny effect. I would just work on tightening up specific lines so that they flow more smoothly. I also would make the last line a little less clunky. Perhaps - "that was his last stroll"
This is a very whimsical and fun poem! i think a little more imagery can be squeezed into the lines so it's a little heavier on content but over all a fun anecdote written with a fun sound.
I actually laughed out loud when I read this. I like it. I think the short length of the poem increased the humor, although, I think adding more description to the poem might add another layer, help us see the scene more. Suggestions: Tighten some language - ex: "not knowing it would take a toll" - replace 'not knowing' with something like 'unaware'. Another ex: "As he walked outside into the crisp fresh air", delete 'the'. Otherwise, good job on a fun, brief poem.
I don't have too much to say about the comical anecdote poem, and I think it's most effective for me here if I just suggest some edits. Of course, you might not like all of these changes, and that's fine. I simply submit this for your consideration as the same poem with a little fine tuning and a little more energy and snap. I mean, don't just take this verison, but consider playing around with your poem and adding to it perhaps in ways hinted at in this version. Totally up to you, of course!
A man embarked on a winter stroll. not knowing it would take its toll. He fixed his locks for the crisp fresh air, but slipped on ice, there went his hair! He never embarked on another stroll in winter days when winds are cold without a hat to hold his head so fair!
Very cute and short... definitely a switch up from the longer and more intense poems.. I agree that the last sentence can be revised to sound a little sharper . Perhaps you can describe what happened after he slipped on the ice...
not knowing it would take a toll.
This is hilarious! The rhyme and blunt succinctness of this poem add to the humor. That being said, maybe you can add a little something to it? maybe instead of "not knowing it would take a toll" -- maybe utilizing that space for another piece of imagery, another poke of humor, etc. could add more dimension. Also maybe tightening up the language of the last line. Really cute :)
ReplyDeleteA cute and humorous little anectode--perfect for limerick form
ReplyDeleteIf you want to stick more strictly to limerick form, some thoughts:
The first line seems four feet long to me--four stressed syllables--"man," "went," "cold," and "stroll"--and limericks are supposed to have three feet in the first, second, and fifth line.
I suppose you could move "went" to the beginning--"went a MAN on a COLD winter STROLL"--though the syntax is definitely awkward now...on the other hand it's a clearly humorous limerick, so it might be more acceptable to throw grammar to the winds.
The second line appears to be in perfect form: three feet--iamb, anapest, anapest
The third and fourth lines are supposed to be two feet each--consider "as he WALKED into AIR/he SLIPPED, lost his HAIR"
The last line seems something like five feet long...also it might be more interesting to use a new word rather than "stroll"If you do want to keep "stroll"--consider "and NEVer went BACK for a STROLL"
This is really funny! I love the idea and the rhyming made for a funny effect. I would just work on tightening up specific lines so that they flow more smoothly. I also would make the last line a little less clunky. Perhaps - "that was his last stroll"
ReplyDeleteThis is a very whimsical and fun poem! i think a little more imagery can be squeezed into the lines so it's a little heavier on content but over all a fun anecdote written with a fun sound.
ReplyDeleteI actually laughed out loud when I read this. I like it. I think the short length of the poem increased the humor, although, I think adding more description to the poem might add another layer, help us see the scene more.
ReplyDeleteSuggestions:
Tighten some language - ex: "not knowing it would take a toll" - replace 'not knowing' with something like 'unaware'. Another ex: "As he walked outside into the crisp fresh air", delete 'the'.
Otherwise, good job on a fun, brief poem.
I don't have too much to say about the comical anecdote poem, and I think it's most effective for me here if I just suggest some edits. Of course, you might not like all of these changes, and that's fine. I simply submit this for your consideration as the same poem with a little fine tuning and a little more energy and snap. I mean, don't just take this verison, but consider playing around with your poem and adding to it perhaps in ways hinted at in this version. Totally up to you, of course!
ReplyDeleteA man embarked on a winter stroll.
not knowing it would take its toll.
He fixed his locks for the crisp fresh air,
but slipped on ice, there went his hair!
He never embarked on another stroll
in winter days when winds are cold
without a hat to hold his head so fair!
Very cute and short... definitely a switch up from the longer and more intense poems.. I agree that the last sentence can be revised to sound a little sharper . Perhaps you can describe what happened after he slipped on the ice...
ReplyDelete