Pay Attention to your actions when
beautiful snow colored sugar crystals;
sparkling glass- like structure crumbs
meet before your eyes: Distraction.
Distraction.
bitter sweet moment in time.
hot apple pie crisp
All that is thought-- the taste
beautiful snow colored sugar crystals;
sparkling glass- like structure crumbs
meet before your eyes: Distraction.
Distraction.
bitter sweet moment in time.
hot apple pie crisp
All that is thought-- the taste
That apple pie lay sinking in your teeth.
cavities form-- hide low beneath
You succumb to your pain.
If only you would know what real pain is
but your feeling is felt; nothing but numb
because salt looks just like sugar to you.
His salty tears all these years
His starvation less acknowledged
compared to all his fears.
His starvation less acknowledged
compared to all his fears.
There comes your repetitive footsteps
walking down that old path
into that dark alley
times don't seem change
the sun comes up, sets again.
walking down that old path
into that dark alley
times don't seem change
the sun comes up, sets again.
Sugar Salt looking the same
both work for different foods
Playing a colored visual game
giving you a tasteful life.
thinking only about YOU, Not he.
both work for different foods
Playing a colored visual game
giving you a tasteful life.
thinking only about YOU, Not he.
Because you don't think he belongs.
Because you never think you are wrong.
Because you never think you are wrong.
This poem demonstrates taking a small idea and creating worlds of poetic description around it in the most literal way. The train of thought woven from the starting point of "sugar crystals" is really intriguing. I like the descriptions of sugar as "sparkling glass" and "hot apple pie." I also like how quickly it escalates from just sugar to a feeling of "because salt looks just like sugar to you" -- I LOVE that line. It's smart and true and simple and deep...such a great segway from sugar to an anguished relationship. From that point, the poem takes a turn that's really interesting with "his salty tears all these years, his starvation less acknowledged compared to all his fears" (i like the rhyme too :)
ReplyDeleteIt could be that I would understand better from reading the original, but I did get a bit lost in the train of thought, how the poem moved from one sentence to the next. Particularly the first line -- I didn't feel like I ever found out why I should "pay attention to your actions," and how "distraction." came in. Also closer to the end, some of the language can be sharpened: "both work for different foods" -- the verb work didn't take me anywhere, maybe something like amplify, draw life from, ignite... And "giving you a tasteful life" -- I like the direction this line is going, but the phrasing is awkward. Maybe "giving you a life that finally tastes like something" or something with a little more punch.
Overall, exciting and effective!
I changed "in front of" to "before", brought "Distraction." from it's own line and attached it it to the line prior
ReplyDelete