while busy trying to light a spark.
A room filled with nothingness.
The match wont light,
always containing its source in might.
The match leaves in absence,
no color but black, gray, white sense.
A room filled with empty shadows, footless footprints,the room being extremely dark,
no space, leaving no mark.
Finding the match while no longer a possibility,
as its shadows can no longer be seen.
Not wanting to share,
trying to break down walls,
finding empty spaces with no visuals.
Not even a brush of wind capable of touching,
not even that of a ghosts appearance coming,
or footsteps near—heard from ear to ear.
The next room over is lit,
but still remaining absent; not found standing in it.
Learning to know a life without thee,
creating more sanity.
A new sensation, blatant while mysteriously waiting— too patient.
The match not capable of bringing light,
when present, only bringing a minuscule light in an ugly fight.
But oh, where did thee go?
A light that is unable of leaving behind a shadow.
Now asking for help, to learn to forgive a light that would never give.
Family isn’t supposed to leave; come and go.
Only friends should have the right to do so?
All the others gave up,
refusing to wait for a hopeful arrival.
Not interested to find anything left behind.
Giving up is not an option here,
still waiting for the match to light, appear.
Family always stays,
even during those who suffer their darkest days.
One day the match will bring light.
Its not for others to judge—
there is simply not enough time to hold a grudge.
To clarify: Thank G-d this does not pertain to me, but I wrote it based off of another persons story that inspired me.
ReplyDeleteThe first thing I noticed was the way you shaped your 5 lined stanzas with the first 2 and last 2 lines rhyming - I thought that was clever and also unique.
ReplyDeleteI like the contrast between "light" and "dark" which seems to be a reoccurring theme in every stanza. You really strengthened it throughout the poem.
Second stanza - "A room" - can be tightened to "room."
And you can perhaps eliminate the word "but" in this line- "but still remaining absent."
Perhaps this line can be tightened up - "there is simply not enough time to hold a grudge." - I would eliminate "simply" - would be sharper ending.
Amazing poem, Really enjoyed reading!
There are some truly amazing lines here and also some places begging for a little revision. I feel this is a perfect poem for workshop. I will email you about it.
ReplyDeleteThis poem has a wondering, haunting quality.
ReplyDeleteSome lines I especially enjoy include "a room filled with nothingness/The match won't light" and "footless footprints."
I think the poem overall would benefit from condensing--it is quite long, so by combining only the very strongest lines, it would still be a poem of a nice length. I wouldn't worry about messing up the rhyme scheme; I don't think it's necessary for the musicality of the poem.
I would also suggest sharpening specific lines. Some suggestions:
"Family shouldn't come and go/Only friends have the right to do so?"
"Not for others to judge/Not enough time to hold a grudge"
Part of the reason I would suggest cutting words from lines is that it would really contribute to the already extant stream-of-consciousness tone.