Round like a marble;
color surrounding blackness,
reaching deep inside.
Pathway to a soul,
absorbing timeless moments,
giving one an eye.
Say, "I'm all in."
Intimate as life can get;
deep moment. Rich fluid.
Unanswered questions,
sought deep within its window.
Deeper than reflection
Hi Allison. It's great to see you practicing with the haiku form. In class Wednesday, I am going to go over haiku. It turns out there is more to them than the ol' 5/7/5 syllable count. This ancient form also connect with the season and presents a kind of "cutting word" called a "kireji." I will explain this concept in class. Maybe you will be able to include a traditional "cutting word" in your own haiku?
ReplyDeleteI don't know very much about haikus (till tomorrow) but this poem conveyed a sense of serenity and wonder which was really pleasant to read. I like the 4 very concise ways to describe an eye from different angles. It almost seems to go in a progression:
ReplyDeletein the first stanza the physical qualities of the eye are described, the shape and colors
in the second stanza the speaker describes what it is more deeply, a connection to the soul, a window to life's big moments, the power of a look to someone else. I think I would start the stanza with that "giving one an eye" idea: it's much more tangible
To be honest I didn't quite understand the third stanza, I think mostly because of the first line "Say, 'I'm all in'" -- not sure what's meant by that. The second and third lines of that stanza make me think something sexual is going on, but the "rich fluid" seems out of place. Also "deep moment" can be replaced with more descriptive words. I can't taste that phrase as much as I can something like "rich fluid"
The fourth stanza brings out the mysterious quality of the eye, the "unanswered questions sought deep within its window." I like the usage of window that alludes to the window to the soul idea without using those overused words outright.
Also, maybe consider some different adjectives which convey depth without repeating that word so often?
this is a really beautiful poem and i have a lot of respect for your use of the confining structure of haiku. I think your sentiment is both broad and relatable and i really like it. the one thing i would say is that the opening stanza seems very literal and doesn't feel like its setting off the rest of the poem to the strongest start because the other stanzas have both the form and meaning whilst this one just feels like a stress on the form so maybe add a bit more of your sentiment of the importance of eyes starting from the beginning or possibly cut it. overall a beautiful poem.
ReplyDeleteThe cool thing about this poem is that each haiku stands out individually, but alos comes together to make a nice arrangement. The images and ideas you set up are vague, but specific enough that I know what you are talking about. This is good because it leaves aspects up to the reader's interpretation, which I like. My favorite haiku was this one: "Say, "I'm all in."
ReplyDeleteIntimate as life can get;
deep moment. Rich fluid." I do not know what the last line means, but I like it.
This poem expresses an intimate, thought-provoking portrayal of the eye. It is a quaint, simple, pleasing poem, and, with a few switches in word choice, it could be improved even more.
ReplyDeleteSome comments:
"Round like a circle"- maybe chose a more descriptive word than "circle" - I would love to see another round object that is not usually associated with the eye. "Round" and "circle" seem redundant since a circe is by definition round.
"colored surrounding blackness" - "colored" sounds awkward to me because it's an adjective so it cannot have something being done to it - it's not a noun. Maybe replace it with the noun form - "color."
"looking deep inside" - maybe replace "looking" with a more specific verb, like"peering, gazing..."
"timeless-moments" - I don't think this has to have a hyphen in between, I think it's two separate words.
"giving one an eye." - just an interesting idea - maybe replace "eye" with "I" -it's a nice play on words, and creates a double meaning of also giving oneself a self... Just a thought.
"Say, "I'm all in." - I like this line, I would not have associated it with the eye, but it actually makes sense - the eye does pull one in.
"deep moment. Rich fluid." - beautiful sounds!
"sought deep within its window. " - nice "W", "T", "S" sounds
"Deeper than reflection" - nice "ee," "r" sounds
Nice job.
I love how all of the haikus are individualistic in ways but also simultaneously are strung together to have them all connect. I thought that was very untraditional and cool. I also really loved the last line- " sought deep within its window. deeper than reflection" I loved the way everything was pieced together and so well written.
ReplyDeleteI changed "circle" to "marble", "colored" to "color", "looking" to "reaching", and took out the hyphen from "timeless-moments" to "timeless moments".
ReplyDeleteSuch an awesome message! Some of the beats are a bit off tho-
ReplyDeleteSay, "I'm all in." (4)
Intimate as life can get; (7)
deep moment. Rich fluid. (6)
It still has the right number overall (17), I just want to know if you intended that. I love the vivid visual and tactile description of "Rich Fluid"- one of the best metaphor for "tears" that I've heard in a while. Great job nit mentioning the "t" word =)
Unanswered questions,
sought deep within its window.
Deeper than reflection
The last line is one syllable too long- you can take out "than" or replace "reflection" with "it reflects"